Henry Blotter And The Philosoraptor's Rock
by TheLilyLeaf
Summary: When Henry joins his new school, he isn't expecting madness. What is the strange dinosaur everyone's talking about? Why is Doctor Cape stalking him? Most importantly, who invited some random Greek god! The answer lies here. Hilarity ensues! Parody.


**A/N: Heeeeey, people. Welcome to the most random and twisted Harry Potter parody you will ever come upon, Henry Blotter. Don't get me wrong, I adore the series and can recite it backwards in Russian in my sleep, but this idea got into my head and just wouldn't leave. So, enjoy!**

1: Introducing Henry

It all started on the day that Anita, the maid, wanted to get something from Mrs. Blottingpaper's broom cupboard. So when she opened it she was expected to be faced by a bunch of cleaning supplies, not a small child with black hair and creepy owlish eyes.

'Hello,' he said, sounding like a psycho. 'Would you like to play with me?' He held out a plastic horse labeled VICTIM #1.

Anita screamed in Spanish and ran out of the house. Later she sent in her notice, which was not really unexpected.

* * *

><p>Later that night, as the Blottingpapers (Mr. Robert Blottingpaper, Mrs. Ruth Blottingpaper and their son Rhombus Blottingpaper) were having a supper of fried cheese, Mrs. Blottingpaper threw down her fork, stabbing their fifth cat, Erewhon. Erewhon squealed.<p>

'Our sixteenth housekeeper, Robert!' she exclaimed, her skin exploding in hives. '_Sixteenth_! And all because of that wretched boy!' She pointed with a sausage-like finger at the small boy who Mr. Blottingpaper was using as a footstool.

'Bad Henry,' said Mr. Blottingpaper in a bored tone, eating his newspaper for lack of anything better to do.

'Dad, if you're gonna kill him, can I have his glasses?' begged Rhombus, forking a whole Edam roll into his mouth. 'I want to use the glass in the lenses to throw at Mrs. Rodriguez and see how badly I can pierce her face!'

Mrs. Blottingpaper burst into tears. 'I'm so proud, Rhomby Button,' she sobbed. 'You're so lovely already, bless your little soul.'

'And no, butter puff, we're not going to kill Henry,' said Mr. Blottingpaper fondly. 'Yet.'

Suddenly there was a rattling knock at the door, before it was ripped off its hinges. Mrs. Blottingpaper fainted, Rhombus grabbed the tablecloth and its entire contents and ran upstairs, and Mr. Blottingpaper brandished his knife threateningly which was pretty hard to do considering that he looked like a red ball of dough.

Once the rubble and stuff had cleared away, there was a huge hunched figure at the door dressed in tattered clothing and with a wild bush of hair. 'Hallo!' he exclaimed.

Rhombus came running downstairs. 'O. M. G,' he squealed. 'It's Quasimodo! Dude, can I have your autograph? And your girlfriend?'

The Quasimodo guy roared and promptly turned Rhombus into a unicorn, which flew out of the window whinnying some words that cannot be repeated.

'My name be Haggis,' said Haggis.

'Um … I hate to say this,' Henry said as Mr. Blottingpaper threw himself out of the window, 'but isn't Haggis like sheep brains cooked in sheep stomach?'

'Aye,' Haggis chortled. He didn't seem unnerved about this for some strange reason.

'Um … okay then. Might I ask why the heck you randomly burst into my house and TURNED MY COUSIN INTO A RAINBOW PONY?' Henry screamed out this last part.

Haggis cowered in fear. 'But … I thought you hated him!' he exclaimed.

'Oh, I do. I'm just ticked you didn't let me keep him. He would've been such a lovely husband for Victim #1,' Henry sighed longingly, pulling out his little plastic horse and stroking it fondly.

'All … righty, then.' Even Haggis was beginning to be freaked out, and he was a stinkin' hunchback. 'Henry, I hate to break it to you, but you're a wizard.'

'Gasp!' Henry gasped. 'Is that why I can talk to lizards?'

'Um, no. That's cuz you belong in a mental hospital,' Haggis informed.

'I see. Please, continue.'

'Aaaaaanyways, your parents died when you were younger –'

'Yeah, it was a manatee accident,' Henry said.

'You are dumb,' Haggis said. 'Some random guy killed them. Aaaaaanyways, again, so your name isn't really Henry Blottingpaper. It's … Henry Blotter.'

After the revelation of Henry's name, some dramatic music followed, which was rudely interrupted when Henry declared his need to pee and did so. On the carpet.

'All right, Henry, you're going to this random school called Hogzits,' Haggis said as he pulled a little paper out of his pocket and put on some rainbow-colored reading glasses. 'Your headteacher is a delusional old fart called Bulbous Humblewindow. I'm supposed to like destroy anyone who says a bad word against him, but I hate his indigestive old guts. Your school was founded like a billion years ago by some randomites: Gothic Grilledburgers, Roderick the Runt, Hannah the Ham-sandwich, and Spongebob Squarepants.'

'What the heck?' screamed Henry.

'Excuse me, my boy. That last one was Justin Bieber.'

Henry's eyes almost bugged out of his head. 'I think I'm going to commit suicide if I get put in Bieber,' he commented.

'All of them have, my son,' Haggis said cheerfully, eating the paper and his reading glasses.

'Well, what do we do now?' Henry said.

'Well, I think we should go … kitten shopping!' Haggis screamed.

Henry cleared his throat rather loudly, and Haggis corrected himself, 'Excuse me. I meant, school shopping. You're gonna need an owl, a broomstick, a cauldron, some robes –'

'Robes?' Henry scoffed. 'What am I, Harry Potter?'

'Shut up,' said Haggis, slapping Henry with his foot. 'Now let's go!'

'Hold up, Jimbob,' Henry said angrily. 'All I wanna do is go play some BlackOps on Rhombus's PlayStation and maybe pick up a few chicks, a'ight? I am not coming with you to some psycho school!'

'All right, little boy, maybe you'll understand it from this point of view.' He brandished a dagger with crusted blood on it. 'I have a knife. Get in the van.'

Henry gave a little scream and flung himself out the open door, making a beeline towards a large green van with the words FREE CANDIEZ scrawled on it.

Haggis made sure Henry was all comfy in between the dead bodies in the back of the van then hopped in the front and began to drive like a maniac.

'What are you doing?' screamed Henry.

'Getting to Unicoin Alley!' Haggis roared. He pressed a button and suddenly wings sprouted from the van and they began to float peacefully, like a turtle would do on a sunny day.

'Is Unicoin Alley on a cloud?' asked Henry, his eyes going shiny behind his glasses.

'Nope, it's about ten meters underground!' Haggis said cheerfully. He pressed another button and the wings disappeared, and the van did a nosedive toward the ground. Henry's little-girl screams of terror were drowned out by the crunching noise as the van plummeted – you guessed it – ten meters underground.

When Henry could breathe again, he leapt out of the van, which was now on fire. As it exploded behind him, he surveyed the scene: it was like London but underground, with lots of shops and noise and burnt frames of various cars. Apparently, that was the only way to get to Unicoin Alley.

Haggis got out of the van, weeping for the loss of his huge beard, which had burnt away. 'Come on, Harry,' he said mournfully. 'We're going shopping.'

He dragged Henry into a place that sold clothes. 'Are we getting me my robes now?' he said excitedly.

'Hell no!' Haggis exclaimed, snatching up a fur coat and plastering it onto his face. 'We're getting me a new beard! … Okay, now you can have your robes.'

Henry squealed in delight and picked out a set of lurid pink robes, trimmed with fake fur and decorated with pictures of pink cats.

'That's disgusting,' Haggis said.

'That's your MOM!' Henry screamed, throwing a tantrum. 'I want them I want them I want them!'

'Fine! Keep your butt on, kid.' Haggis grabbed the robes, hid them in his beard and strolled out casually.

'Isn't that just stealing?' Henry asked critically as he ran to keep up with Haggis's long strides.

'No! It's …' Haggis paused in thought. 'Aye, it _is _stealing. But who really gives a ChapStick? Come on, son. We're gonna go rob a bank!'

'O. M. G! Can I have a burglar mask?' Henry pleaded.

'No.'

'WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?' Henry wailed.

'Because you're the distraction!' Haggis said brightly, slapping Henry on the back and breaking his spine simultaneously.

'Uuurgh,' said Henry. He couldn't move, cuz Haggis had paralyzed him. Haggis just picked him up under his arm and pointed at a building in the shape of an intestine. 'See that, son?' he asked heartily.

'Uuurgh,' said Henry.

'That is Grinchguts, the biggest and most-easily-broken-into bank in the wizarding world,' he expounded. 'It's literally made of the guts of the Grinch – you know, that son of a Nintendo DS who stole Christmas.'

'Uuurgh,' exclaimed Harry, turning slightly green. Haggis finally had enough sense to notice that Henry was, in fact, incapable of moving. 'Hey, you're paralyzed! What a great distraction!' he said cheerfully, and with that, he threw Henry straight through Grinchguts.

'Uuurgh!' screamed Henry in some sort of battle cry as he broke clean through the wall and landed in a heap of limbs on top of a couple of small garden gnomes.

'Uuurgh!' he squealed, which loosely translated into "HELP!", but no one did, because the place was filled with plastic garden gnomes. Haggis jumped through the hole Henry had made, shooting off his water gun at a few gnomes, and ran through a place Henry couldn't see. After a few minutes of ominous screaming and breaking noises followed by a suspicious "omnomnom", Haggis came out holding a small bloodstained sack.

'Come on, before the gnomes get us!' he roared, throwing Henry over his shoulder and running like a maniac. He grabbed a random unicorn, hopped on it, and it flew towards the surface, breaking through with a mighty crash. They were back in London! :D

'Uuurgh,' Henry groaned, meaning obviously "That was the worst thing that ever happened to me, other than that time when I pooped coconut cake".

'That's just sick, man,' Haggis growled, slapping the unicorn once again, which then began to fly again.

'Uuurgh?' Henry grunted, which meant something along the lines of "Where the heck are you taking me?"

'Subway,' Haggis said between screams of joy of actually riding a unicorn.

'Uuurgh!' Henry said, wanting to convey the message of "Why are you taking me to a restaurant where we can 'eat fresh' when we can eat at some ole hot dog vendor and call it a day?"

Haggis facepalmed. 'You are the most ignorant small child I have ever met,' he told Henry. 'We are going to a subway station where we can go to Platform 5 ¼, and catch the underground to Hogzits.'

'Uuurgh,' said Harry, and if he were able to speak he would've said "I hate you. So much."

'I know you do. If it helps, I hate you too,' said Haggis consolingly, as they landed in a subway station. Surprisingly enough, nobody took notice that there was a hunchback with a paralyzed dude on a unicorn who appeared out of nowhere. After all, it WAS a London subway station – they'd probably seen a lot weirder.

'Now, Henry, you have to walk through that wall,' instructed Haggis, pointing toward a wall between Platforms 5 and 6. Henry noticed a bunch of people walking through it.

'Uuurgh,' Henry protested, reminding Haggis that "I'm paralyzed, you dope! I can't walk!"

'Your problem,' snorted Haggis, throwing Henry to the floor and flying off on his unicorn. Henry groaned. This was the suckiest day ever.

Suddenly a large group of people approached Henry. Henry hissed instinctively; they were GINGERS. He shuddered. The creepy people with no souls …

An obnoxious little girl poked Henry and announced loudly, 'Is he dead?'

'No, Gibby,' said a lady tiredly. 'Now come on, your siblings are gonna miss the underground. Frieda, Georgia, Mercy, Don, all of you come _on_!'

A bunch of squealing girls and one lonely guy walked past Henry. Thankfully the lady stopped by him. 'You were with Haggis, weren't you?' she said conversationally. 'That must mean you're paralyzed.'

'Uuurgh,' said Henry in agreement.

'I would help, but the whole family's crap at magic!' she said cheerfully. 'I'm Holly Moley. And you are?'

'Uuurgh,' said Henry.

Holly Moley paled. 'Henry … Blotter?' she gasped. Immediately she pulled a pair of scissors out of her pocket and sheared off most of Henry's hair. Sure enough, there was the cloud-shaped scar on his forehead. She wobbled dramatically.

'It's you!' she gasped. 'It's really you! Oh, Artie, get over here!'

A fat ginger waddled over, eating a donut. 'Yes, dear?' he mumbled.

'I found Henry Blotter!' she squealed, like some fangirl obsessing over Brad Pitt or something.

'That's nice,' he said in a trancelike voice, drifting toward the donut vendor.

'Uuurgh,' Henry said, which Mrs. Moley took to mean "Listen, crazy lady, I have no idea who the heck you are and whether your fat husband's gonna eat me, so would you kindly get me through that wall before I am digested?"

'Of course!' gushed Mrs. Moley, and with creepy strength, picked Henry up and threw him straight through the wall. He landed with a _crunch _on the other side.

'Uuurgh,' moaned Henry, and if anyone was listening they would understand that he was saying "I'm surrounded by idiots."

* * *

><p><strong> And there you have it, folks! Now in your reviews, tell me whether Henry should be unparalyzed in the next chapter, and how. No flames!<strong>

**I referenced Quasimodo, Spongebob Squarepants (whom I adore), ustin Bieber (whom I despise with every inch of my being), Harry Potter himself(strangely enough), the "I don't really give a ChapStick" phrase from thecomputernerd01, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Nintendo DS, Subway (EAT FRESH), and that ongoing joke how gingers have no souls. I sincerely hope I didn't offend any gingers there, seeing as I'm ginger myself, and I think the joke's pretty dang hilarious.**

**Aaaanyway, stay safe, review, and don't let any hunchbacks break down your front door!**

**~TheLilyLeaf**


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